Ever played Super Mario brothers on Nintendo wii? Or any other applicable video game? …I don’t discriminate, as long as they fit my story… You start the game, you advance, you gather the coins and kill the goombas, and then you die. And have to start again. Try again. Die again. Try again. Die again. Get frustrated, yell at the game, cry, drink some wine, and try again. Fine, it’s a bit too many die-agains, it’s not that hard of a game, but I’m making a point, so listen up. You try, you fail, you repeat. That has been the story of my life. I try, I fail, I try again.
It got to the point where that was my way of living. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do. The only thing I was supposed to do. Maybe you’re the same? And what happens? You bring that with you to everything you do, your work, your hobbies, your friendships, your relationships. You try, you fail, you start again. You even start getting bored with excelling and following through on something because that’s not the game, that’s not what you think you’re supposed to do. You don’t win – you start. It’s the start of the game that excites you, what gets your energies up. Starting something, trying something. You don’t live for the maintaining something or finishing something. You don’t know what that’s like, that seems boring, frighting even. You want to begin. To build. To grow. To jump on innocent turtles and face a horrible death by fire breathing flowers. You don’t know what comes after. But you get good at starting again.
One day you reach the save game flag. A flag that will allow you to skip the first goombas, canons, turtles and evil flowers on your way. One day you don’t have to start from the beginning anymore. You don’t have to start from nothing, you don’t have to have the early fights, go through the struggles or have the challenges you are used to. It’s all done. It’s all over. You don’t have to worry about the first part of your life(s). You can build on, move on. You can continue. You can move onto what comes next – not just surviving but maybe winning (in a non-Charlie Sheen kind of way)?
I’ve been stuck living in my past; playing the damaged girl that comes from a world of pain, starting my life over and over again; new hobbies (from acting to baseball), new universities (been to four), new countries (been to three), new jobs (had six serious ones so far), new “relationships” (let’s not count those). I’ve been living with a mindset of needing to start again, build again. It’s been comforting, the idea of erasing the last try and seeing how this one turns out. “This time I’ll make it work”. I’ve also carried the fights and burdens with me; the dysfunctional family and childhood drama and the baggage that comes with it. I’ve been fighting that over and over again. Trying to start again, to make it different. I’ve been trying to rewrite my origin story. But the thing is, I’ve been so busy focusing on my past, trying to make it right, trying to build that into a beautiful story of survival and happy endings. I didn’t realize, I didn’t understand, I can’t change the past, as capable as I do think I am I don’t have those types of powers. What I needed to understand is my story is far from over, and I needed to accept that. My story, so far, is messy, it’s ugly, it’s dark, it’s twisted, but it got me so far – and it’s far from over. Far from over. Who knows, maybe I’m working towards the pink roses and rainbows part of my story? Maybe that’s what comes next? Now that’s a scary thought!
What I do realize now, today, though, is that I’ve reached the save game flag of my life. I don’t want to start over again, I don’t want to face the demons I’ve dealt with before again. I don’t have to. I’ve fought them, faced them, beat them. I’m sure they’ll still come up every once in awhile to haunt me. But for now. For now. I want to move forward, I can move forward. I’m in a place of my life where I feel like I can breathe, take a mental break, stop for a moment and gather my energy knowing I’ve already achieved what will help me, what will provide me with the foundation for whatever I choose to do next, whatever battles I’ll fight next. And I’m sure there will be battles.
So. Hello part two of my life(s) – looking forward to starting, trying, failing and! eventually succeeding with whatever you bring with you.