Broken – in repair

I broke my head. Not incidentally. It didn’t just happen. It has been broken for years, for decades. I broke my mind. I did. Did I? Did others? It has indeed been in the making for decades. My mind got broken. I suffer, live with it. Depression. Anxiety. It’s not great. But I manage. Until I didn’t. I know I have them, I fight them. I know why they exist. I know how they impact my life. I’m now getting help for them. For me the path – before, now and after is clear. Now. But is it for others in my life? Do they see things as I do? Others who are not me? Who haven’t experienced what I have? Others who do not understand? Others who do not know? Others who judge.

I had a broken knee a few years ago. I walked with crutches. Wore a knee support 24/7 around my knee. Had physiotherapy. Had sick leave. Told people I’ll be a bit slower now because I’m in massive pain and can’t currently deal with stuff. People would understand. They would open doors for me, carry my things. People, random people would help. Some would ask what happened. I said I fell down and dislocated my knee, bad enough to call an ambulance and got kept in an emergency ward for 2 days. People would listen, say “oh shit” and move on.

Having a broken knee sucked. It hurt. It was inconvenient to put it mildly. It was pain. So much pain. But I had painkillers, heavy, fun painkillers, and therapy, and support, and social understanding and acceptance. I needed help and that was fine with everyone, everyone.

Now I have a broken mind, is it different?

  • I have my diagnosis – broken
  • I Have my meds – to mend it
  • I have my therapy – to work on it
  • I have my plan – to fix it
  • I have me – working on it

Is it different from a broken knee? Is it?

A broken mind is not as easy as a pure physical illness. It is not as easy as putting a band aid on something or throwing antibiotics at it. It is not as easy as a clear incident in one’s life. It is not as easy as B following A. While it can be a one time event, far more often it is a billion of things, events and triggers – direct and indirect, in our known and unknown. It is a billion different things. It’s not as easy as falling down once; it’s falling down a billion times, it’s being put down a billion times – in a billion different ways. Mind broken – billion different ways – unfixable by a single thing – mendable by a few things. It can be fixed. But. It takes medicine. It takes therapy. It takes time. It will be helped by people opening doors and carrying things. It does get better with people understanding you’re a bit slower now, it will take you a bit longer to get there. It takes people to understand you are getting there. You are. You are. You are getting there.

When I was a kid me and my brothers had a saying “It can’t hurt if it doesn’t bleed”. 30 years from that I know. I know it can hurt. I know it can hurt even if it does not bleed. It can hurt so much more.

So. If your mind got hurt. If your mind got broken. Fix it. Adress it. Get meds if you need. Get a doctor. Get therapy. Take time off work, from your social interactions. Take time to heal. Find the crutches you need – games to play, friends to rely on, manager/peers to trust on. Give yourself time. Don’t take shit from people who don’t understand. Take time. Heal.

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