Chasing the hug you never got and never will – worth sacrificing the hug you could get now?  

I have yet another health problem: and as the doctors conduct their tests and examinations I’m casually frightened about the potential demise of my of queendom that I never really got to start….and yes, sure, the somewhat real possibility of a stroke or heart failure or tumors or whatever else is a bit scary too…

And damn could I use a hug from my mom, and/or from my brothers, and/or the person I thought was my best friend.. The odds of that happening? Let’s see; my mom? Haven’t spoken to her in five years, not since the last time the doctors were pondering wondering my health of potential death. My brothers? Not into any real signs of caring. Can’t really blame them; we did grow up in a dysfunctional family. And my “best friend” of sorts. She told me to do yoga. No “I’m so sorry to hear that”, no “how do you feel about this”, no “what is going on in your head”, no “ what does this mean” no, “what is next”, no “can I do something” no “you are strong and amazing and you got this”, no “I’m here for you”.

I did get “I’m here for you” and “you got this” messages, as well as the others. I got them from my friends. And friends of friends. I got a lot of support! …and I neglected all of them…because…my mom, brothers, best friend didn’t, and they should!

They should. They didn’t.

So. As I click on publish on this post I will go through my whatsapps and message back all the people that actually show they care. And I’ll make sure to call and/or see them.

Why am I so stuck on people who I think should care about me but clearly don’t, while I have people who actually do care about me? Great question. About time I focus on the good in my life and let got of the things/people that can never be.

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