“They are too young”, “They don’t know better”, “I need to protect them”, “They had a tough life”, “I’m sure they care”, “They mean well”, “I’m sure they love me”
It’s an interesting thing growing up in a dysfunctional family. There will be behaviors you embrace and ones you absolutely hate, people you love/hate and people you excuse and include/exclude. And round and round we go!
I think I’ve been clear with my thoughts of my mom and dad; or as clear as my mind can be at this stage. I’ve been protective of my brothers though. “They are too young”. “I’m sure they love me”.
It’s time for me to admit and face the reality though; my brothers aren’t “small” anymore; they are 35 years old. They can think for themselves. I asked my brothers to care; to at least ask how I’m doing. I got called a “martyr” by one, no response from the other. Got into a bit of an argument with the one about if my request for asking about my wellbeing is martyrdom or not. Snapped at them, brought up shit from 20 years ago. Messages back and forth, no conclusion. I do not know if I’m a “martyr” or not. All I know is my brothers still to date have not just asked how I’m doing. I know I snapped at them as 30 years of stuff boiled over.
Over 30 years. 30 years of excuses; “they are too young”. 30 years of built up anger. What I’m sure of is I love them, and will do anything for them. I know, I wished they`d at some point take my side. I also know that writing this post makes me cry. And I know I cannot keep making excuses for them. I am mad at them. I am angry at them. I am angry at them for not caring enough about me to ask me how I’m doing. Not caring enough. Not taking my side. …and I don’t even know what that side is…I do know I’m angry.