I just spent about a good 8 to 19 minutes smelling my hair. And why you ask? Because it smelled nice. That’s why. And because it made me think of the me that could still, and one day will again, do things like this without days and weeks and months of internal push back.
It made me think of a world where I could just do things, like shower. Let’s start with that. It’s been a good two weeks since I showered last. Did I then shower because “it’s what people do?” No. I showered because also then it had been a good two weeks since the last one. It was because the smell of me became even more unbearable than the smell of the mold growing in the half-eaten pizzas in my apartment. Yup. Depression, what a life.
Here’s what people don’t get…especially the ones that tell yoga is a solution to all… Depression doesn’t just destroy your willingness to do yoga and make you imagine mustering up the last strength you have to kill or at least seriously injure people who suggest yoga, it destroys you and your actions, you and your senses. It’s a place of things being all twisted and dark, a place of pain – if you’re lucky…for some it’s a place of numb – one of no way out, according to depression itself (#fuckdepression).
It’s not just a place of not doing things, being sad and crying a lot. Opportunities of “could” turn to not. It’s the colors that fade with it. Colors of life. It’s your senses that drop to none. That beauty of flowers? Smell of them? None. They exist no more. Hi’s, hellos and thank yous? People speaking and caring; manners, effort, compassion possible from others? None. And you that’s left? Barely none. It’s a fog that steps in – takes over what you see, smell, hear, feel. Fog all around – for as far as you can see, fog (which is not much, because fog.). Fog.
And then something magical happens and the fog breaks, just a little bit. Enough for you to get a glimpse of what was and/or what could be. And no, it doesn’t matter if it happens because you had to, wanted to, or just got lucky. It’s a wonder. It happened. You felt good; that’s all that matters.
- Maybe you got out of the house for the first time in a looooong time during the day; taking out the trash, sitting on the closest bench you could find to get some sun, or going for an hour of a jog that turned into a walk around the block because “who the hell was I kidding” – You got out – it matters!
- Maybe a puppy got away from their owner and ran to you and you felt wanted
- Maybe you found a funny meme and laughed instead of smirked
- Maybe you got a like on reddit or twitter and felt heard
- Maybe you got a text from an old friend or lover, or a stalker who made you think; aaawwww they still remember me
- Maybe you got into that shower and smelled nice for a change. It damn well mattered.
It doesn’t matter what or how small that moment was. It doesn’t matter if you can’t tell your friends about it because you think they would see it as insignificant or dumb. It’s your moment – one that made you feel something positive. Stay with that moment for as long as you can. The fog will wait, it will be there. Let the moment recharge you. Keep it close even when it’s gone; the positive feelings it brought up, the senses that it woke up. Keep that moment alive in your mind as you look for the next one.