Does losing my fears mean losing me?

Aren’t the fairy tales the worst (…this will make sense by the end of the blog post…maybe…). “Spend time with your fears”, “use your fears as a stepping stone”, “focus on your fears instead of your goals”. Who the fuck says stuff like that?? …for fucks sake…dumb as shit…….. Oh, right, that was my last blog post…the dimwit I was back then…I thought that was actually good advice…thought I’d solve aallll my problems thinking aaaaallllllll my problems were related to being too pretty few years ago… how great I thought this moment would have been where I could write my genius blog post with having solved it all! did not quite go that way did it? DID IT? …no, no it did not… and also, get off your high horse you dimwit you…

I actually took my own advice…spent some time, long time with my fears. Sure, one of them is facing all the criticism that would follow if people would see me. I knew it existed. I wrote about it. I was also semi-aware of my fears of being just like my dad; overly sarcastic, charming person who eventually will hurt everyone around them by breaking their promises, cheating on anyone who can be cheated on, etc. etc.. An alchololic. I thought I’d take that on; a friend of mine was starting her annual lent journey; 40 days without alcohol or sweets. I’m in! I’ll prove I’m not an alcoholic!

40 days without any alcohol or any sweets – I did not think I could make it. And why? Here’s why: 1. The only thing I hate more than being told what to do is to be told what not to do 2. 40 days without any alcohol or any sugar; don’t think I’ve had that since I was 13…and that’s just for alcohol…with sugar we would prob have to go back to, I don’t know, when can toddlers have sugar? 3. My dad was an alcoholic and while that’s my mental image of pure hatred, how close am I actually of becoming him…?

Guess what happened? Guess! I made it. It was actually easy. I made it through 40 days without any alcohol and any sugar and I think it was harder on random waitresses than it was on me…

-Waiter: Should we start with a prosecco for everyone?

-Friends:  Yes, yes, yes, yes….

– Me; no, can’t drink alcohol right now

– Waiter: no problem, we have great mocktails

– Me: Sure, but I can’t have any sugar either

-Waiter: oh…let me ask our chef… *questioning all his best service pledges

-Waiter; so here’s a drink with cucumber, lemon and basil

– Me; It’s great *putting on a fake smile and a thumbs up

– Friend who shows up to dinner right after; oh that looks like the best mojito ever!

– Me: ….it’s water… *turning my fake smile into a sigh of deep disappointment

My learnings? Well. Damn right, previous blog post you (me?), I am my biggest challenge. And what this time of proper self-reflection showed me; the fucking fears I knew I need to, and will, deal with are only part of it. I can be without alcohol, I sure need to lose weight. But. Here’s the real shit: I’m afraid of moving on from me. I’m afraid of moving on from what I need to be to survive my past. I’m afraid of letting that me go.

I guess this might not make sense to a lot of people, but maybe it will make sense to some. In a very messed up way of putting it; I knew my life was not a Disney movie, but I needed it to be one. I had to deal with a lot, I went through a lot. I thought I needed to keep to it so that I could be “saved”. I thought I needed to have it, so that I could have my happy ending. And without it? No happy ending. Without it, I’d be one of the normies. They surely don’t get a happy ending, surely not as great as mine. I mean, if you are normal and happy and healthy and not completely fucked up; can you get a knight in a shiny armour to save you, can you save yourself? Is your story worth telling? No, not according to fairy tales. You need to suffer for it.

And oh my…does that not lead you to fucked-up-ville? You need to be properly fucked up so that next you can be happy? You need to stay fucked up so that others see your worth? So that others can look at you with “she went through a lot, it’s a miracle she’s still alive”. AND. If she’s not fucked up, she’s just one of “us”, a normal person trying to make it through life. And want to hear the most random fucked up thing? I’m afraid to give blood because I think my purpose and will to fight is tied to my blood and by giving it away I would give a part of me away! It doesn’t make sense!

What’s my fucked up biggest fear? Losing part of my fuckedupedness. I actually fear that getting better would mean losing part of me. And I do get that, I had to fight to get here, and I fought, and I will fight. But come on….I need to fucking let that fucking fucked up shit go. I for sure need to, and can, use that as a stepping stone to level the fuck up. …damn…

Reaching the “save game” flag

Ever played Super Mario brothers on Nintendo wii? Or any other applicable video game? …I don’t discriminate, as long as they fit my story… You start the game, you advance, you gather the coins and kill the goombas, and then you die. And have to start again. Try again. Die again. Try again. Die again. Get frustrated, yell at the game, cry, drink some wine, and try again. Fine, it’s a bit too many die-agains, it’s not that hard of a game, but I’m making a point, so listen up. You try, you fail, you repeat. That has been the story of my life. I try, I fail, I try again.

It got to the point where that was my way of living. That’s what I thought I was supposed to do. The only thing I was supposed to do. Maybe you’re the same? And what happens? You bring that with you to everything you do, your work, your hobbies, your friendships, your relationships. You try, you fail, you start again. You even start getting bored with excelling and following through on something because that’s not the game, that’s not what you think you’re supposed to do. You don’t win – you start. It’s the start of the game that excites you, what gets your energies up. Starting something, trying something. You don’t live for the maintaining something or finishing something. You don’t know what that’s like, that seems boring, frighting even. You want to begin. To build. To grow. To jump on innocent turtles and face a horrible death by fire breathing flowers. You don’t know what comes after. But you get good at starting again.

One day you reach the save game flag. A flag that will allow you to skip the first goombas, canons, turtles and evil flowers on your way. One day you don’t have to start from the beginning anymore. You don’t have to start from nothing, you don’t have to have the early fights, go through the struggles or have the challenges you are used to. It’s all done. It’s all over. You don’t have to worry about the first part of your life(s). You can build on, move on. You can continue. You can move onto what comes next – not just surviving but maybe winning (in a non-Charlie Sheen kind of way)?

I’ve been stuck living in my past; playing the damaged girl that comes from a world of pain, starting my life over and over again; new hobbies (from acting to baseball), new universities (been to four), new countries (been to three), new jobs (had six serious ones so far), new “relationships” (let’s not count those). I’ve been living with a mindset of needing to start again, build again. It’s been comforting, the idea of erasing the last try and seeing how this one turns out. “This time I’ll make it work”. I’ve also carried the fights and burdens with me; the dysfunctional family and childhood drama and the baggage that comes with it. I’ve been fighting that over and over again. Trying to start again, to make it different. I’ve been trying to rewrite my origin story. But the thing is, I’ve been so busy focusing on my past, trying to make it right, trying to build that into a beautiful story of survival and happy endings. I didn’t realize, I didn’t understand, I can’t change the past, as capable as I do think I am I don’t have those types of powers. What I needed to understand is my story is far from over, and I needed to accept that. My story, so far, is messy, it’s ugly, it’s dark, it’s twisted, but it got me so far – and it’s far from over. Far from over. Who knows, maybe I’m working towards the pink roses and rainbows part of my story? Maybe that’s what comes next? Now that’s a scary thought!

What I do realize now, today, though, is that I’ve reached the save game flag of my life. I don’t want to start over again, I don’t want to face the demons I’ve dealt with before again. I don’t have to. I’ve fought them, faced them, beat them. I’m sure they’ll still come up every once in awhile to haunt me. But for now. For now. I want to move forward, I can move forward. I’m in a place of my life where I feel like I can breathe, take a mental break, stop for a moment and gather my energy knowing I’ve already achieved what will help me, what will provide me with the foundation for whatever I choose to do next, whatever battles I’ll fight next. And I’m sure there will be battles.

So. Hello part two of my life(s) – looking forward to starting, trying, failing and! eventually succeeding with whatever you bring with you.