I don’t quite know why exactly I started this blog. I was drinking wine, I know that. I do stupid..no! not stupid, questionable. I do questionable shit when I’m wine drunk. Mostly flirting with anything that moves, occasionally turning into a super sarcastic dimwit you cannot but love, sometimes sleeping with people who are too young for me, every once in a while hysterically crying in a corner, and oh so, so often starting something that “makes total sense!” – to wine-drunk-me- makes total sense to wine-drunk me…
I guess this blog was one of those things. I was wine-drunk. I had an idea and went with it. Now, you need to understand this, wine drunk me thinks she’s awesome, and to put it in humble, modest terms; omnicapable (love her <3 ). …aaaaand then the next day comes and sober me takes over with the not-this-again-routine, …it’s a good one, really got that all sorted out…after like two decades of doing this…ffs……this would make a sweet process chart, but I’ll go with bullet points this time…oh no I won’t! Enter! Process chart! Boooom! Let’s chart this shit!
I get side-tracked so easily….the chart took me like two hours to complete, and it’s mostly focused on sleeping with random people or texting whoever – random people, or friends, or colleagues, or whoever basically. But…my point was. I drink wine a lot, went through some shit and occasionally I do stupid, although entertaining, stuff. There is a fairly strong correlation between the three, I can admit that….especially at the age of 35…there’s only so little I can put on my mommy and daddy issues, some issues I should own as well. Anyways. The point…the point…right! While I was having my bathtub wine today I was staring at my bathroom carpet and started smiling. – Sure, part of it was the sweet, fresh rosé kicking in, but a huge part of it was the realization; I bought that carpet not because I needed it, but because I wanted it – and because I could.
We are not yet talking about overly expensive designer stuff where you basically pay for the marketing rights of the specific brand and not the material costs (maybe one day?) but more like levelling up from IKEA. But still, I can upgrade, I don’t just have to cope or survive, I can enjoy. And it’s not about money, this wasn’t about money. It’s about the difference of where I was, and where I am today. See, I have these moments. These tiny moments. They last for just a few seconds. I can be looking at an inanimate object, laughing at a friend’s joke, or just enjoying tea on my balcony in the sun. For just a moment I feel happiness, calmness, content. My mind is making space for beauty, peace, enjoyment. In these fleeting moments I feel thankful, appreciative, and reflective of all things past, what I’ve been through, dealt with, and where I am today. In that moment, in those few seconds I’m in a state of bliss, in awe of everything. It’s not all doomsday emo-shit anymore. My world is not all dark and grey. Not all hope is lost. Not everything will fail or end in sorrow. …I mean… It could be, it might be, it eventually will. I’m not an optimist, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I revert very quickly back to “shit happens and then you die” -mode. Realism, as I like to call it.
But does it matter to anyone? Would anyone else relate to my immense joy of looking at a carpet? While I’m not really looking for validation (happy with my millions of imaginary followers), nor am I expecting others to understand, I do wonder if people have similar experiences or thoughts. I think having a bathroom carpet I never thought I could have is an amazing celebration of where I started and how far I’ve come. I’m extremely proud of it. It might not make sense to everyone or be big enough a thing to matter, but if you can relate, awesome! The moments that matter come in the strangest packages. But isn’t that what life should be about? Moments that matter? Moments that for whatever reason, make you feel something? Moments that are meaningful to you. I for one am looking forward to more of these moments – more moments that make me smile.