Aren’t we all one break away from getting better or worse?

What to do when all you want to do is forget. To take a break. You take a break. That’s what you do. You take a break. I haven’t written a post in awhile. I’ve been taking a break from. Everything. I’ve faced again the fun part of being mentally ill – you don’t know when it’ll hit you or how, but it might, it might hit you. It hit me. It. Hit. Me. 

I thought I was doing fine. I was not. I was drinking more and more, excluding my friends more and more, crying. More. And More. I was hoping I was on my journey of becoming better, healthier. And I still am, I hope. But for the moment I was not. I checked into a mental hospital, spent a few days there. I hated it. I hated being in a place where I had to admit I can’t cope. Hated being “lowered” to the ranks of people who need help with their lives. Where they need nurses and doctors to bring them meds throughout the day and have chats about “how to cope with reality”. I hated it. But I needed it. I was not dealing with reality. I was indeed one of those people. I am one of those people. I was crying hysterically for about an hour or two a day. And if you’re into stats, go through the DSM-V manual. Won that bingo. Easily. While you’re at it. Googling. Google “smiling depression” or “high functioning depression”. Got all that nailed down.

I was lying to others and myself. And I hate lying. But I’m really good at it. I try to pride myself in speaking the truth. I will voice my opinion. I will stand for what’s right. I don’t bow down to anyone. I’m proud of telling my truth. I will protect whoever needs protecting. I will fight for them. I will be true. Except for one thing. When people ask me “How are you?”. I will lie. 99% of the time I will lie. I will say “I’m fine” or “Doing great” or “Not too bad” or “Kind of ok for a Monday” or “Happy it’s Friday”. I say I’m fine so people won’t ask follow up questions. I say I’m fine. I lie.

I was “fine” – all the “fine”. I needed a break. A reset. A time in a place where things don’t move a hundred miles an hour in my head. A place in a time where I don’t have to pretend. I place where the rest of the world doesn’t exist. A place where I can make a decision. A place where you’re shown options for next steps. A place where you, and you alone, can and need to choose your path; better or worse, start or end, heal or consume, fight or flight. You choose.

I fight. I choose to fight. I am mentally ill. I am not well. But I am functioning. I am now getting help. I am fighting. I will have my stops, my breaks. I will allow myself the breaks; of drinking and/or crying. I will take my breaks to fall down and gather up. I will take my breaks to gain strength to keep fighting. I will take my breaks to choose. I will be better, I will keep fighting.

Welcome to the top of my world – get cocky with me

I have just learned to make keto margaritas! Celebrate with me! Keto margaritas. Is that not the best thing in the world? What an achievement. Hand clap.

And get ready for a plot twist #spoileralert. I will not be sharing my dark side of the mind stories today. Today’s about the highs, the future, the potential, the wishes, dreams and goals. Today’s about celebrating our awesomeness. Today’s about patting ourselves in the back and saying atta girl. Today’s about telling ourselves, and the world, how great we are, and how we are going to do great things.

I’ve had a good week. Sure, I still have my ever-growing list of people to kill and I keep reordering it based on the incompetence points people insist on gathering during the weeks. And some people really seem to want to go for that “dickhead of the moth” trophy. But. I’ve had a good week, even with the aspiring incompetent dickheads. An article I wrote is getting recognized on LinkedIn, my manager (who is still in the running of becoming the next dickhead of the month) has changed his behavior and actually tries to make me happy, I got to make my nieces happy by drowning them in presents, and, maybe most importantly, it’s finally sunny weather and I’m on my balcony, listening to music, and enjoying a frozen margarita – a margarita that will not destroy my diet.

I took out my paper and pens and started drafting some global strategic initiatives for my function. Some ground-breaking, change-making initiatives. Brilliant stuff really. Can’t wait to send it to my manager who now apparently has recalibrated his default settings and should now fully support me with them. And then I stopped. I picked up another pen instead, and opened my notepad, my blog notepad. A journal if you wish. A book where I write down stuff I might want to write on my blog too. I thought I needed to share this with you. A post of positivity and light. Today. This week. I got reminded of why I do what I do. Why I’m still here. I’m damn capable at my work. I’m awesome. I’ve done great stuff, I’ve made a change – and not just in my organizations but in other people’s lives. This week. This week reminded me of that.

This moment. In this moment I’m full of energy, determination, and fighting-spirit. I will improve, create, help, support, drive, grow – myself and everything around me. I will do awesome stuff. I will help others. I will make my life worth something. There is no way in hell I would have gone through everything I have and not use it to try and make the world a better place. I will make a change. I will.

Maybe that’s why I created this blog. Maybe that’s the reason. It’s not to drown in depression, it’s not to drag others with me. It’s to share what I’m going through. It’s to shed some light into the mental issues people go through, and how mental illnesses impact people’s lives. It’s to show how multiple different sides and realities can coexist in one person.

I am fucked up. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Everyday for me is a fun game of “which issues should we trigger today? Daddy issues? Nah, we had that last week, let’s go with abandonment today”. I deal, I cope, I survive, and I want to do something with them. I am not my issues, I am more than that. I am successful, I am smart, I am capable, and if you believe my friends I’m also lovely and funny and charming as hell. I’m awesome.

What am I saying? Life is not black and white. Just because you are one thing doesn’t mean you can’t be another. You can be a mess but also successful. You can be successful but also a mess. Own your issues, own your awesomeness. Do great things.

Dear John – The power of jealous exes; anxiety and depression

I have two very close friends. We’ve been besties since I was a toddler, well, the other one was there since I was kid, the other I met when I was in my early teens. They’ve stuck by me all these years. I’m 35 and we’re still going strong. Although, we did have a bit of a fallout. These “friends” of mine are anxiety and depression.

They are a little bit different these two friends of mine. “Friend” number 1 showed up when I was still a small kid. I remember being about 4 years old when I had my first anxiety attack. “Friend” number 2 came to the picture around age 12, and brough a lot of dark clouds with them. They seem to like each other these two. Sometimes one is stronger than the other. I know this from for example from my personal hygiene. When anxiety is in the lead I take a bath everyday day as water calms me. If it’s depression’s time to lead I won’t shower or bath for days as every little bit of interest in self-care, even the basics, is suppressed.

A few years of therapy has shown me they are, after all, not the best companions to have – and that I should try and break away from them.

And I’ve worked on it! I have worked on building my distance, ghosting them. I’ve, each day, worked on ignoring them and moving on. I’ve tried and sometimes, more each day, succeeded in ignoring their late night DM’s of “You up? Want to cry hysterically for a bit?” or them wanting to bring up all my cringe worthy moments of my entire life.

I am on the winning side though, I am letting go, I am building my distance and trying my best to ignore their calls. I don’t want to go back to them.

The problem is we had something. Something real. Something meaningful. A real connection. They understood me like no-one else and were there for me when others weren’t. Sure, they are slightly obsessive in nature and didn’t really allow me to have other friends. They even tried badmouthing others with “they will hurt you”, “they don’t care for you, your’re nothing to them, they hate you”, “they laugh at you”, but they were there.

So. Enter a new acquaintance; moments of happiness. Whether in the form of a new bathroom carpet or a drink in the sun with no worries, my previous besties aren’t too happy with this new addition to my life. The threat of a break up is getting real. Maybe we aren’t just going through a break, maybe the strong feelings we once had are no longer there? Maybe we aren’t meant to be after all?

I’ve had so much fun with my new friend. I started a diet three weeks ago, a keto diet, and have already lost 5 kilos, I’m sleeping better thanks to my new bed, and I’m re-gaining my work motivation. I’m doing so much better, and actually feeling positive about the future. And what do my jealous, neglected exes of anxiety and depression do? They raise their ugly, obsessive heads. They’re hurting me, trying to beg and force me to come back. They bring up all the negative emotions – a true saga of how everyone, including the universe, has let me know. They play their games, they keep me up at night, and this morning, they won. They won.

They won. My anxiety doesn’t allow me to sleep, my depression want’s me to suffer. This morning I woke up sleep deprived feeling all things depression. The tears started falling from my eyes, my brain checked out, and my body was calling for quits. I was a mess. But! Little did these fuckers know I’ve grown stronger, there is a part of me that will not give up, and that part, that part is now in the lead. That part. At 9 am this morning assessed the situation and decided that given the emotional turmoil I’m in I cannot just ignore it, I need to let these tears flow and the wave of negativity to pass. I’ll allow it to have it’s time, hear it’s message. Let it have it’s time, tell it’s story . And then waive good bye to it.

I created a list of all my negative emotions, and went to the store to get alcohol. This morning by 10 o’clock I’ve done a lot; sure, I started drinking but I’ve also had a look at my emotions, reflected on them and addressed them.  I’ve burned that list of negative things, literally, I wrote my feelings down on paper and lit them up. I’m not in a happy place. My mood is all kinds of negative – all the betrayal, neglect and hurt, they are all with me now. But I burned that, and I will keep burning it. That shit needs to go. I might have lost the battle today, but I have not lost the war. The prosecco I’m drinking is dry, the vodka I might start with has no carbs. My keto diet still stands. I am still working on bettering my future. Depression and anxiety; you are nothing but a small bumb on my way. I will keep going.

I know you will keep messaging, and screwing with my head. We did have something, something I thought would last a life time, my ever after. But I’m now after my happily ever after. So. F you. You can keep trying. But we are done. Sincerely yours not anymore, me.