My 2022 carry on  – Cutting down on the negative voices in my head

We’ve agreed, only 10kg of “necessary” baggage allowed to carry on to 2022. Sure, it wasn’t a democratic decision, didn’t actually ask you…don’t actually even remember saying this is a democracy…but I’m sure you agree; we need to make some hard decisions on our old shit; time for that yes/no/hmmm/ hell no sorting!

If you are like me (if you are not, this is your time to go “oh my god, I’m so happy I don’t have to deal with that, but please tell me more), you have voices in your head, just not in a way that would get you locked up in a mental institute (trust me, they have a test for that, my voices are not institute voices…they’re bad, but not as bad). These voices, they are from our past, our past conditioning. They come from our early upbringing, school, hobbies, years and years of authority figures or other people telling us something – something that has stayed with us for all these years. Something as in they are not universal, they tend to be negative in nature, but they are individual. And they show up all the time, especially in our weakest moments, and when we are trying to break some habits, or, well, do anything really.

Let’s start with this “fun” voice in my head. It sounds a lot like my mother. It even has the same phrases as my mother has. These are phrases my mom has told me, over and over again throughout my life…yup, took me a good couple of years of therapy to realize it was my dear mom inside my head. In hindsight, I could have and maybe should have realized that earlier…you know, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck…But. Yours, phrases and voices, might be different; they might be your mom, or whoever else fucked you up…or loved you and supported you and you hear the warmth in your head voice…guess that could be happening to some of you too. Anyways, here’s what I hear in my mind:

  • You are not as smart as you think you are
  • You are not as pretty as you think you are
  • You don’t need anyone
  • People will only disappoint you
  • Your “friends” will forget about you in a couple of years
  • What would others think
  • I know what you did (oooooh the judgement on this…I still don’t know what it refers to…but damn she loves throwing that around…and especially after drunken nights, this one is fun to wake up to)
  • To others; how funny that she messed this up, even I realized that……
  • Men with us (my mom, my grandma  = our blood line) will always leave us, you can’t trust them
  • Men don’t like what you do
  • He is too pretty for you
  • Even I knew what they meant (loooooove this one…such a great way to damage me and lift herself up)
  • You have destroyed my confidence (I can’t be assertive, can’t talk about myself in good terms, just because I’m worried it might hurt someone else’s confidence…need to make eeeeeveryone else feel great just so that I don’t feel bad….)

What that does, is spring another voice…not that the first one wouldn’t be enough…but; here’s the groupie voice with its chants;

  • That’s embarrassing
  • People hate you
  • You suck
  • People don’t accept you
  • Everyone judges you
  • You failed
  • Everyone hates you
  • You are a disgrace
  • So sad
  • Don’t even try. Don’t. Even. Try.

I know this/these voice though, it’s a strong one. It’s not going to be as easy as asking it to kindly fuck off. It’ll try, it’ll raise its ugly head when it sees that I’m vulnerable, it’s waiting for the right time to hit. But man, voice, you need to seriously fuck off. Seriously. Fuck. Off.

I don’t want to live with this voice anymore. Here’s a concrete example why:

On my holiday, one night, I got quite drunk, wobbled to my hotel room with the help of a random man and could not meet the random people by the pool that I met just 8 hours before because I was too embarrassed. TOO EMBARRASSED. I woke up in the morning and in addition to the headache I was coupled with the voice “you fucked up, what would those people think of you, they hate you, you’re an embarrassment, they can’t stand you, they hate you, they will laugh at you, they feel sorry for you, what a shitshow, you can’t show your face” —- I did not see those people that day. I was convinced they would hate me as the voice in my head said. I spent the day alone. And the next day, I felt the same, alone time it is; I went to the beach, sat down on the sun chair, read my book, until – until one of the random people came to me “My husband told me they saw you here, I was so worried that you might have been sold to the sex trade and that’s why you didn’t join us, I was hoping you would have had a hot one night stand instead. X told me you are single and we should let you have your fun and not worry. But I worry. I’ve saved a sun chair for you for two days now, you should join”. She liked me even with just spending a few hours with me, she wanted to spend more time with me, she was worried about me, and me getting too drunk – she was hoping I’d not get killed but get laid, and she wanted to spend more time with me. She was awesome. So I joined them. The group; the group welcomed me with no judgement, no hate, but acceptance, acknowledgement; I am single, I can do whatever the fuck I want (to a limit, of course), I can enjoy my holiday.

But wait, there’s more. I was also afraid to tell them my real job, title, and country. Just so that I wouldn’t sound too good, just so that they could feel better. And it’s not because I think I’m better, it’s because the voice in my head is telling me I’m not good enough, I should not try and be better than others or even as good, and definitely should not destroy other’s confidence, as if my job could…especially with the people I was hanging out with…what a fun voice companion I have….

So what’s my point? Fuck the voice(s). If they are negative, if they cannot support you – fuck them. Fuck. Them. !.

Let’s make that the first to go on our moving to 2022 baggage check; the harmful pre 2022 voices.

The next time we do something, good, normal, strange, fun, cringy, anything, and a shitty bitchy ass voice tries to bring us down, let’s tell them otherwise.

I’m sorry, dumb ass voice;

  • The tribe has spoken, you’ve been voted off the island
  • You didn’t receive a rose tonight
  • You’ve been eliminated from the race
  • You are not in the running for the most dominant voice in my mind
  • And that means you’re out. Auf Wiedersehen.

Fuck off, voice. It’s our year now.

If your message/phrase is based on stuff pre 2021, then, well, you’re not valid, you’re a “hell no” for me. You will not be part of our 2022. We start new.