Fuck focusing on hopes and dreams. Deal with fears. Use them as a stepping stone

All these articles about people telling you to set goals and work on them. They are right. You absolutely should visualize your goal, create manageable concrete steps to make it happen and get on it. What’s missing though is your starting point. What’s missing is making sure you are all equipped and ready, realistic, powered up, and made for success, not slipping away. Again, I agree with these articles; making a change is about having realistic goals, realistic assessment of where you are and a plan to get from A to B. What’s missing is the realistic assessment of what’s in our way. Especially, especially! if it’s us in the way.

What if. What if we are our biggest challenge? We can come up with plans and actions for others, for external things, but we might overlook us. We might think we know us, “we’re lazy, can’t keep up with a routine, feel sceptical about …”. But. Dig deeper. Dig deeper.

Before you set to your dreams and stumble and fail to make them happen, think about what’s in your way. It could be time, it could be money, it could be you not waking up early enough in the morning to have a 5km run before work. It could be you not doing something in the now. But. What about you sabotaging yourself getting to your future. What if you, your fear is the block. What if you are actually the one standing in your way? What if you, unconsciously, are preventing you from getting from A to B?

So. As any proper goal setting guide / life coach (I’m so available btw lol) would tell you, let’s start with B. But instead of the normies in the field and their steps to get there, let’s start with the visual. Picture B. Picture your end goal. Tell me what scares you when you think of it. Ever had B, or something close to it? What would B look like? All exciting and great and easy or scary and concerning? What is there waiting for you? If you take the steps to be there, what will it look like? With great accomplishment comes …responsibilities…assumptions…perceptions… in our heads and others, and in our heads about the heads of others.

And the way there? How’s your mind? Supportive? Questioning? Doubtful? Full of aggressive negativity? Either in an actively bad way harming your progress , or with good intentions blocking your way, blocking your future hurt. Whatever your mind’s reasoning we need to have a chat about why are we in our way; to scare, protect, block or sabotage.

So. Let’s have a chat with our mind. Have a conversation.  Write stuff down; What and where do you want to be? Why? And. When you will be what and where you want to be, what will hit you?

  • Been there or close by and got hurt somehow? How?
  • What can hurt you?
  • What can destroy you?
  • What do you need to deal with you don’t have to right now?

Is that what you think might happen? Do you know it will or is that an imaginary scenario in your head? Where’s the proof?

I myself want to be looked up to. I have very humble goals of being the smartest, most respected, prettiest, happiest, most successful person in the world. I love the idea, dream of it. But I’m also very aware of what it comes with; constant visibility and judgment. Each move, each win or mistake will be judged by multiple others, not just in my close circle of friends but with a broader audience. I will be in the spotlight. If I win, it’ll be great. But if I lose, if I make a mistake, I will be laughed at, judged by all.

It’s paralyzing. Strong. Massive. I’m safe for not doing it. I used to live for the change, not giving a s… about what others thought. The past 2-3 years I’ve lived in the convenance and safety of not making waves. I’ve gained tons of weight, lost my fighting spirit, got used to merely existing. I dream of one day being the prettiest, smartest, most respected again. But. That would require me to make a change. That would require me to expose myself to all the internal and external judgment again.

Should I or should I not. Make some waves or purely live by. I see value in both, I understand both. But. If you want to make a difference, it better be your choice for the right reasons, for the right reality. I get just wanting a calm life. I get wanting more. I want more. I do want to make a difference again, and, well, that will require me to face my fears and doubts. It will be scary as hell.

So. My choice. Your choice. Our life. Let fear dominate us, or address it, use it as a building block. Let fear make us stronger, better, smarter (you got it Kanye!), and readier. And I do mean readier. AND if that’s not a word it really should be. I don’t just mean really, I mean reallier.

If you want to make a change, face your fears. Face your mountains of fears. Climb on top of them, step on them. Use them as a view point of all you can be, of all that could and is there waiting for you. All that you can start with if and when you put your fears behind you.

My 2022 carry on  – Cutting down on the negative voices in my head

We’ve agreed, only 10kg of “necessary” baggage allowed to carry on to 2022. Sure, it wasn’t a democratic decision, didn’t actually ask you…don’t actually even remember saying this is a democracy…but I’m sure you agree; we need to make some hard decisions on our old shit; time for that yes/no/hmmm/ hell no sorting!

If you are like me (if you are not, this is your time to go “oh my god, I’m so happy I don’t have to deal with that, but please tell me more), you have voices in your head, just not in a way that would get you locked up in a mental institute (trust me, they have a test for that, my voices are not institute voices…they’re bad, but not as bad). These voices, they are from our past, our past conditioning. They come from our early upbringing, school, hobbies, years and years of authority figures or other people telling us something – something that has stayed with us for all these years. Something as in they are not universal, they tend to be negative in nature, but they are individual. And they show up all the time, especially in our weakest moments, and when we are trying to break some habits, or, well, do anything really.

Let’s start with this “fun” voice in my head. It sounds a lot like my mother. It even has the same phrases as my mother has. These are phrases my mom has told me, over and over again throughout my life…yup, took me a good couple of years of therapy to realize it was my dear mom inside my head. In hindsight, I could have and maybe should have realized that earlier…you know, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck…But. Yours, phrases and voices, might be different; they might be your mom, or whoever else fucked you up…or loved you and supported you and you hear the warmth in your head voice…guess that could be happening to some of you too. Anyways, here’s what I hear in my mind:

  • You are not as smart as you think you are
  • You are not as pretty as you think you are
  • You don’t need anyone
  • People will only disappoint you
  • Your “friends” will forget about you in a couple of years
  • What would others think
  • I know what you did (oooooh the judgement on this…I still don’t know what it refers to…but damn she loves throwing that around…and especially after drunken nights, this one is fun to wake up to)
  • To others; how funny that she messed this up, even I realized that……
  • Men with us (my mom, my grandma  = our blood line) will always leave us, you can’t trust them
  • Men don’t like what you do
  • He is too pretty for you
  • Even I knew what they meant (loooooove this one…such a great way to damage me and lift herself up)
  • You have destroyed my confidence (I can’t be assertive, can’t talk about myself in good terms, just because I’m worried it might hurt someone else’s confidence…need to make eeeeeveryone else feel great just so that I don’t feel bad….)

What that does, is spring another voice…not that the first one wouldn’t be enough…but; here’s the groupie voice with its chants;

  • That’s embarrassing
  • People hate you
  • You suck
  • People don’t accept you
  • Everyone judges you
  • You failed
  • Everyone hates you
  • You are a disgrace
  • So sad
  • Don’t even try. Don’t. Even. Try.

I know this/these voice though, it’s a strong one. It’s not going to be as easy as asking it to kindly fuck off. It’ll try, it’ll raise its ugly head when it sees that I’m vulnerable, it’s waiting for the right time to hit. But man, voice, you need to seriously fuck off. Seriously. Fuck. Off.

I don’t want to live with this voice anymore. Here’s a concrete example why:

On my holiday, one night, I got quite drunk, wobbled to my hotel room with the help of a random man and could not meet the random people by the pool that I met just 8 hours before because I was too embarrassed. TOO EMBARRASSED. I woke up in the morning and in addition to the headache I was coupled with the voice “you fucked up, what would those people think of you, they hate you, you’re an embarrassment, they can’t stand you, they hate you, they will laugh at you, they feel sorry for you, what a shitshow, you can’t show your face” —- I did not see those people that day. I was convinced they would hate me as the voice in my head said. I spent the day alone. And the next day, I felt the same, alone time it is; I went to the beach, sat down on the sun chair, read my book, until – until one of the random people came to me “My husband told me they saw you here, I was so worried that you might have been sold to the sex trade and that’s why you didn’t join us, I was hoping you would have had a hot one night stand instead. X told me you are single and we should let you have your fun and not worry. But I worry. I’ve saved a sun chair for you for two days now, you should join”. She liked me even with just spending a few hours with me, she wanted to spend more time with me, she was worried about me, and me getting too drunk – she was hoping I’d not get killed but get laid, and she wanted to spend more time with me. She was awesome. So I joined them. The group; the group welcomed me with no judgement, no hate, but acceptance, acknowledgement; I am single, I can do whatever the fuck I want (to a limit, of course), I can enjoy my holiday.

But wait, there’s more. I was also afraid to tell them my real job, title, and country. Just so that I wouldn’t sound too good, just so that they could feel better. And it’s not because I think I’m better, it’s because the voice in my head is telling me I’m not good enough, I should not try and be better than others or even as good, and definitely should not destroy other’s confidence, as if my job could…especially with the people I was hanging out with…what a fun voice companion I have….

So what’s my point? Fuck the voice(s). If they are negative, if they cannot support you – fuck them. Fuck. Them. !.

Let’s make that the first to go on our moving to 2022 baggage check; the harmful pre 2022 voices.

The next time we do something, good, normal, strange, fun, cringy, anything, and a shitty bitchy ass voice tries to bring us down, let’s tell them otherwise.

I’m sorry, dumb ass voice;

  • The tribe has spoken, you’ve been voted off the island
  • You didn’t receive a rose tonight
  • You’ve been eliminated from the race
  • You are not in the running for the most dominant voice in my mind
  • And that means you’re out. Auf Wiedersehen.

Fuck off, voice. It’s our year now.

If your message/phrase is based on stuff pre 2021, then, well, you’re not valid, you’re a “hell no” for me. You will not be part of our 2022. We start new.